Aviation Tools and Their Uses

 DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat aluminum bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly-painted ERCOUPE wing your hangar mate is working on.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned guitar calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, "Yeou _ _ _ _...."

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning rivets in their holes until you die of old age.

SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make wing stands too short.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used when the Scotch-Pad wasn’t doing the job or converting minor
touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

WELDING GLOVES: Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong the conduction of intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your hangar on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub you want the bearing race out of.

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing nearby aircraft integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an aircraft to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the wing strut.

EIGHT-FOOT LONG spruce 2X4: Used for levering an aircraft upward off of a trapped hydraulic jack handle.

TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters and wire wheel wires.

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any known drill bit that snaps neatly off in the exhaust stud bolt holes thereby ending any possible future use of a cylinder.

RADIAL ARM SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to scare neophytes into choosing another line of work.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A very large pry bar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.

AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

TROUBLE LIGHT: The home mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found under instrument panels at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids and for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips stainless screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws.

AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal- burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts which were last over tightened 30 years ago by someone at CESSNA, and instantly rounds off their heads. Also used to quickly snap off miscellaneous nuts. Note: Impact wrenches are not recommended for aircraft repair.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the aluminum surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hydraulic hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit. Also used to make gaping holes in walls when hanging pictures.

RIVET GUN: Devise used to surround rivet heads with circular indentations.

MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your hangar; works particularly well on contents such as windshields, vinyl seats, SAE-50 Aviation oil in plastic bottles, EAA magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

DAMMIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the hangar while yelling "DAMMIT" at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

THINK SAFETY